"Funeralfest"

(5 Page Script, Genre: Humor)

"Funeralfest"

PAGE ONE (4 panels)

Panel 1. A nameless MAN stands before an open casket inside a church, staring with awe at the dead old man inside. WES, a local news reporter, watches this man with intense and hopeful interest. Wes has a stylus and a tablet in his hands, and he wears the stereotypical “press” hat. He sits in the front row of pews to get the best view of the action. The church is a packed house, and all of the people present are bizarrely cheerful, as far as funerals go. A second nameless DUDE stands beside the first nameless man; he’s only here to be used as a visual gag in the next panel though. The dead man is in a very expensive suit, and the casket looks pretty classy.

1 MAN: I can’t believe he’s really gone--

Panel 2. The nameless man’s expression changes to total elation as he high-fives the nameless dude. But in spite of the high-five, the nameless man is actually facing us, the readers, for maximum silly effect. Wes rolls his eyes and slumps his shoulders with disappointment.

2 MAN: --This is the happiest day of my life!

Panel 3. (This panel and Panel 4 should ideally be side-by-side in a row.) Wes extends his hands out to his sides, frustrated. The tablet is in his lap now, but he’s still holding the stylus in his right hand. The other hand is pointing a thumb toward something in Panel 4. Wes isn’t talking to anybody in particular, though people give him odd stares.

3 WES: Oh, come on! Doesn’t anybody have a fond memory of this chump?

4 WES (connected): And what’s the deal with the photo they picked out for him?

Panel 4. A blown-up photo of the dead man is on display near the casket, from when the man was a little younger. In the photo, he is threatening a child with a knife. A SKINNY GUY next to the photo shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

5 SKINNY GUY: It was the best picture we had.
 
PAGE TWO (5 panels)

Panel 1. NINA, an early 20s young woman, leans forward in her pew directly behind Wes. She has spunky hair but is otherwise appropriately dressed for a funeral. We’ll soon find out she’s the deceased’s granddaughter. Wes tips his hat to Nina.

1 NINA: What’s it to you anyway, pal? If these people wanna make light of the old-timer, it’s no skin off your nose.

2 WES: Maybe, maybe not, miss. The boss says my writing is too sensational.

3 WES (connected): I came here angling to pump a human interest story out of this sad sack.

Panel 2. Bird’s-eye view of the room, looking down on the chirpy funeral-goers. A few shirtless people in shorts are knocking around a beach ball in the pews. Some people are wearing party hats. There is a couple making out against a wall. Feel free to add in any other horrible things you can think of. Wes and Nina just stare at the spectacle.

4 WES: Instead, I show up to find I’m covering spring break.

Panel 3. Nina has a bittersweet smile, eyes narrowed.

5 NINA: Yeah, grandpa always did have a way of bringing out the best in people.

Panel 4. Wes lights up, eyes bulging to inspect Nina.

6 WES: Grandpa?

Panel 5. Wes extends an excited hand to Nina.

7 WES: Hello, meal ticket! The name is Wes.

8 WES (connected): Now get all weepy and tell me about the time he bought you a bunny!
 

"I Dream of Demon"

(8 Page Script, Genre: Horror)

"I Dream of Demon"

 

PAGE ONE (4 panels)

Panel 1. A discarded newspaper on the sidewalk outside an apartment building, night time. The headline on the paper reads “INSOMNIA EPIDEMIC SWEEPS CITY.”

1 CAPTION (NAOMI): “I smiled at you because you’re a dreamer.”

Panel 2. Inside JASON’s moonlit bedroom at his apartment. He is in bed with NAOMI, and they are both naked under the sheets. Jason is visibly fat but not ghastly to look at. Naomi by comparison is bodacious, curvy everywhere and stacked up top. She’s your favorite brunette Playboy Playmate. Jason looks a little amazed, but Naomi is relaxed. The bedroom is a mess, but there is a poster of a dragon on the wall.

2 JASON: A dreamer? You could tell something like that from across the bar?

3 NAOMI: Call it a sixth sense.

Panel 3. Jason puts a hand on Naomi’s cheek, smirking. She stares at his hand.

4 JASON: Well now that you’ve seen my apartment, you know dreams are all I’ve got.

5 JASON (connected): That and a bad case of chivalry.

6 NAOMI: Good thing I don’t ask for much then.

Panel 4. Naomi rolls over to face away from Jason, who is leaning on one elbow now. Naomi looks distressed as she faces us, the readers, but Jason is calm and happy.

7 NAOMI: But I am going to ask you to shut up and go to sleep.

8 JASON: Isn’t it usually the guy who doesn’t want to cuddle afterward?

9 NAOMI: I’m not as cuddly as I look.

PAGE TWO (5 panels)

Panel 1. A horizontal panel of solid black, to indicate a time gap. No dialogue.

Panel 2. Jason is punching out a lizard man on top of a mountain in the daytime. Obviously, this is a dream. Jason is wearing medieval armor, and the lizard man isn’t wearing anything because he’s a lizard man. A bunch of mini-lizard men are comically fleeing at the sight of their leader being defeated. A woman wearing a cloak stands behind Jason, hunched over with her face obscured (it’s Naomi). She is noticeably handcuffed. Literal, full-sized castles float high in the sky above them. A pair of dice is emblazoned on Jason’s breastplate.

1 JASON: For the last time, Lizard Lord--

2 JASON (connected): --kidnapping is not how you find a wife!

Panel 3. Jason takes Naomi by the shoulders with a smile, but her head is still down so we can’t see her face. The lizard man is unconscious and the mini-lizard men are fading off into the distance.

3 JASON: Don’t worry. You’re safe now, miss.

4 NAOMI: Do you always play the hero in your dreams?

5 JASON: Do I what?

Panel 4. Naomi looks up at him with an intense stare. Jason is startled at the sight.

6 NAOMI: I can see why it chose you.

7 JASON: Naomi! How did Lizard Lord--

8 JASON (connected): --Oh, wait, I’m asleep, huh?

Panel 5. Naomi cringes, nearly on the verge of tears.

9 NAOMI: Yes, Jason. Maybe for the last time.

Machine Winter #0

(11 Page Script, Genre: Sci-Fi)

Machine Winter #0

PAGE ONE (3 panels)

Panel 1. A wide shot on a barren white landscape, noon time. Even now it continues to snow. A ragged knitted doll missing an eye sits in the foreground, indicating we are not in the Arctic or any other naturally cold place. There are three objects in the background, but at this distance, they appear as little more than dots. Also very far away is a farm silo. No dialogue.

Panel 2. Closer in on the three objects. They are mobile and leaving tracks in the snow, though their identities are still indiscernible. They are draped in torn black cloaks that cover their heads and bodies. No dialogue.

Panel 3. Close-up frontal shot of the three objects, which of course turn out to be robots. The three robots stare right at us, the readers, with haunting, glowing eyes. They trudge on in dreary silence, their heads and shoulders uniformly hunched forward toward us. The specific details of their bodies are not yet apparent, as the black cloaks still cover them, but one of the robots not in the middle is a lot chunkier than the other two. The one in the middle is the tallest. These robots will turn out to be the good guys, but for now, there’s no reason why we can’t spook the reader with this cool visual. No dialogue.

PAGE TWO (4 panels)

Panel 1. The robot in the middle stops to analyze his surroundings. He stands strong and erect to demonstrate his leadership role, but the cloak still covers his body for now. Let’s call this guy TRIGGER. The other two robots, still hunched over, look to him for direction. We’ll call the chunky robot NOVA. The other robot who so far remains non-descript will be called LIGHT.

1 TRIGGER:
There are three of them.

Panel 2. Although they are attempting to have a “normal human” conversation, none of them can replicate human mannerisms very well. They tend to stand still as they talk, which, to be fair, helps them to conserve energy. Light, however, will lean forward or backward when he speaks, or he might raise a hand. He tries to be animated, even though he understands such movement is arbitrary.

2 LIGHT:
Three! What are the odds?

3 TRIGGER:
Odds are incalculable due to insufficient data.

4 LIGHT:
It was just a figure of speech.

Panel 3. Nova holds his waist. His thick, round body is hinted at by the way his cloak hangs. He was originally designed to work with power generators, and as a result, he processes and uses energy much more efficiently than other robots. If starved of power sources, Nova will outlive his comrades by a long margin. In spite of that, since Nova’s natural function involves power generation, he obsesses over locating power sources more than his comrades. His waist is where his excessive energy supply is centralized.

5 NOVA:
Oh, my circuits churn at the prospect of three. I am so hungry.

Panel 4. Trigger points a finger toward the farm silo, which is damaged on top but still standing amidst the snow. There is a long, winding gash along its wall that begins from the top and travels all the way down to the bottom, providing a means of foot access without needing to climb its ladder.

6 TRIGGER:
Your girth belies your fragility, Nova.

7 TRIGGER (connected):
At any rate, our destination appears yet undisturbed. It bodes well if we are the first to come across it.

"Beans the Clown"

(5 Page Script, Genre: Humor)

“Beans the Clown”

Page One

Panel 1.  A close-up on a warm, colorful clown against a white backdrop.  As long as the clown appears genuinely loving and not homicidal, his appearance can be as stereotypical or unorthodox as you want it to be.  As we’re about to reveal, this panel is actually a close-up on a printed illustration being held up by someone else, so I guess you could say this panel is from a “first-person” perspective.  Dialogue is off-panel to the person holding the illustration.

1 FATHER (off-panel):

You don’t really look the same as in the flyer.

Panel 2.  Same angle and perspective, except the hands holding the illustration have lowered enough so that we can see BEANS THE CLOWN standing directly in front of us, in roughly the same pose as seen in the illustration from Panel 1.  Contrary to the printed illustration, the actual Beans is disheveled and infinitely depressing to the senses.  He is unshaven with bags under his bloodshot eyes, his expression a perpetual grimace or sneer, his clothes dirty and maybe even a little blood-stained.  Beans is at least thirty pounds heavier than in the illustration, and you might even want a fly or two whizzing around his head for good measure.  He holds a brown paper bag tightly in one hand, implying that there is a bottle of something alcoholic inside.

2 BEANS:

Damn straight I don’t!  Ain’t no artist that can render a mug like this in all its glory.

Panel 3.  Pull out so that we can see a FATHER and MOTHER glancing with concern back at the illustration in the father’s hands.  Beans gives the parents the stink eye as he drinks from his brown paper bag.  They are standing in the entranceway of a cozy middle-class home in the suburbs.  The father looks like a spineless pushover, because no confident adult would ever let Beans in his house in the first place.  The mother is similarly timid, but in a street fight, she would lay her husband out.

3 FATHER:

The party’s already begun, and we did promise Chris a clown.

4 MOTHER (whisper):

But he smells like bourbon!

Panel 4.  Beans lumbers out of the room like Donkey Kong to go find the party, utterly indifferent to the panicked expression on the mother’s face.  Beans is very drunk.

5 BEANS:

Bourbon is nature’s aftershave!  Now where the hell are these kids?

Page Two

Panel 1.  Beans has arrived in the living room, surrounded by elementary schoolers in party hats.  His arms are spread wide as he introduces himself to the unsuspecting kids, the paper bag still in one hand.  Pizza and soda are on the table in front of the couch, and some lame kids’ movie is playing on the television.  All of the usual kid’s birthday stuff is littered around the room.  The birthday boy, CHRIS, watches Beans with awe.  He has short blonde hair and wears a cardboard Burger King-style crown for the occasion.

1 BEANS:

Loaded on hooch and ready to mooch!  Make way for Beans the Clown!

Panel 2.  Chris hurries excitedly to Beans, hands raised and fingers interlocked in a pleading sort of way.  Beans looks down at the boy with big, open lips, because he needs to look like a Grade-A schlub at all times.

2 CHRIS:

Oh, wow, a real clown!  Do you do balloon animals?

3 BEANS:

Balloons?  Thanks to Philip Morris, I need an oxygen mask just to blow on hot food.

Panel 3.  Chris, a little less enthused now, puts his hand on the back of his neck.  Beans places a hand on his own shoulder, one eye wincing to denote discomfort.

4 CHRIS:

Okay, well, can you juggle?

5 BEANS:

Not since the shoulder injury.  Beans really shouldn’t have picked that fight with the clergyman.

Panel 4.  Beans spreads out on the couch, leaving no room for children to sit, and gestures toward the pizza on the table in front of him.  Chris glares at him.  His father and mother have now entered the room, and they mimic Chris’s look of disapproval.

6 CHRIS:

Don’t you do anything fun?

7 BEANS:
Hey, what do you call this?  Buncha guys sitting around eating free grub?

8 BEANS (connected):

This is the life!

"Hunted"

[This particular script is actually older than the previous few; it was written immediately before "Black Magic Mastiff."  The unintended similarity between the ending of this story and of "Black Magic Mastiff" is what caused me to hesitate to upload both scripts, but I've ultimately decided that both scripts are unique enough to be worth reading, in spite of that gaff of writing two stories in a row that make use of a similar resolution.  I'll try to be a little more original from now on!]

(5 Page Script, Genre:  Fantasy/Humor)
 

“Hunted”

Page One 

Panel 1.  ELENA and ZAM barrel down the side of a hill covered in fruit-bearing trees, a massive four-legged beast chasing after them.  Elena wears a regal dress of ornate make that is completely inappropriate for a jaunt through the countryside, and she holds up the bottom of the dress with her hands so as not to dirty it.  Her tall, expensive boots are more terrain-friendly, and a bow places her brunette hair into a long pony tail, so practicality is not entirely lost on her.  Zam is clad in a simple green cotton jacket over a plain white undershirt, with comfortable brown trousers held up by a tied rope and sturdy boots.  In his left hand is a common short sword, while a large, ripe fruit resembling an orange takes center stage in his right hand.  Pieces of fruit and a significant amount of the fruit’s juice are plastered to Zam’s face from having recently taken a bite out of it.  He has short black hair, and his eyes never betray a hint of fear, in spite of the circumstances.  Elena and Zam are both in their mid-twenties.  The beast is twice Zam’s height on all-fours, with a lion’s mane and a head like a warthog.  It has claws the size of Zam’s head, and its tail functions like a huge and furry club, perhaps knocking over a tree as it wags.  It is noontime. 

1 ELENA:

I thought you said you were a licensed monster hunter! 

2 ZAM:

Did I say licensed?  I meant to say licentious!

Panel 2.  Pan in on Elena and Zam enough that we can’t see them from the waist down.  Elena is clearly anxious about their predicament, whereas Zam is utterly insouciant.  The excessive juiciness of the fruit in his hand should be highlighted, as it will become a plot point in the immediate future.

3 ELENA:

What manner of buffoon consents to slay a beast that large without proper training? 

4 ZAM:

Who says I haven’t been properly trained? 

Panel 3.  Pull out to find a large stain around Zam’s crotch, intimating that Zam has basically peed his pants from fright.  In actuality, it’s just juice from the fruit that has spilled onto his crotch, but Elena (and hopefully the reader) mistakes it for a heaping helping of urine.  She points to the stain with disdain while still holding her dress up.  Zam looks down to observe the blotch himself. 

5 ELENA:

The fresh stain on your trousers makes for a compelling witness.

Panel 4.  Zam plays along with her mistaken belief.  Running from this beast is little more than a game to him, and even though we can see the beast in a frenzy not too far behind him, Zam certainly isn’t worried about it.

6 ZAM:

Hardly!  My crotch will do anything to draw a woman’s attention.

Page Two

Panel 1.  Flashback illustration, which Zam continues to talk over in the present through narration boxes.  We see Elena and Zam at the doorstep of Elena’s large, expensive home that could double for a Tsar’s summer home.  Elena holds up a crude drawing of the beast that is chasing them in the present, with a circle around its stomach region, indicating its stomach is the reason for the hunt.  Zam gives her a thumbs-up, suggesting his agreement to go out and kill the creature.  For context, Zam is a passing vagabond who has heard of Elena’s need for a monster hunter.

1 ZAM (narration box):

“Look, when a beautiful lady offers to pay me to stick a blade in something, who am I to say no?

2 ZAM (narration box):

“One good jab can lead to another.”

Panel 2.  Back to Elena and Zam running, now so engrossed in their inane conversation that they are no longer paying any attention to their surroundings, especially not what is up ahead of them.

3 ELENA:

Do you truly believe you can bed me after having soiled your undergarments?

4 ZAM:

I seldom retain the use of undergarments during my lovemaking.  Is that unusual?

Panel 3.  Elena, now looking forward again, suddenly pulls back hard on the bottom of her dress, as if trying to pull back the reins of a chariot to avert a collision.  We can’t yet see what’s in front of her that causes her to stop in her tracks.

5 ELENA:

You are unusual, and--

6 ELENA:

Oh, look out!

Panel 4.  A river.  A narrow river is the thing in front of Elena that has caused her to panic, but her velocity up till now has been too great, and now she and Zam both fall straight into it (sound effect).  The beast is still raging toward them all the same, though it has not hit water yet.

7 SFX:

SPLOOSH

"Love and War"

(5 Page Script, Genre:  Humor/Romance)

“Love and War”

Page One

Panel 1.  High schooler SAM JENKINS almost strangles the rose in his hands as he holds it out in front of him, eyes wincing with anxiety and facing toward the floor.  He wears a typical t-shirt and blue jeans, and though he’s not particularly remarkable in appearance, there’s a handsomeness to him.  Bathroom stalls are behind him, though it should not be extraordinarily apparent Sam is in a high school bathroom quite yet.

1 SAM:
Amy Andrews, will you, um, go to prom with me?

Panel 2.  Reverse the angle to show that Sam is in front of the bathroom mirror, apparently trying to offer his reflection a rose.  His body is locked in the same awkward position.  Now it is pretty obvious we are in a bathroom.  There is a potted cactus roughly the height of a teenage girl in one corner of the room.  No dialogue.

Panel 3.  Sam’s eyes widen with surprise and his posture turns stiffly erect as he reacts to an unexpected response that comes from inside one of the closed stalls.  At the same time, we hear a flush from inside that stall.  The tail of the one-word word balloon should be pointing to the stall door.

2 OMAR:

Nope! 

3 SFX:

FLUSH
 

Panel 4.  The stall door opens to reveal OMAR BASTION, who is tall and muscular enough to resemble a young, black Hercules.  He points a thumb at himself with a big, toothy grin and his head cocked back, while his other hand has swung open the door.  His sleeveless white shirt literally outlines his physique even further, and he wears jeans held up by a belt with a fat gleaming buckle.  Maybe go with a worm’s eye view with this shot to best establish the physical and social enormity of the character. 

4 OMAR:

Amy would rather go with a winner, and his name is Omar Bastion!

Page Two 

Panel 1.  Sam makes way for Omar as Omar struts to the sink.  Sam slouches in dismay so much that you’d think he was trying to duck a cannonball. 

1 SAM:

You?  But you’re so popular that the cafeteria named a sandwich after you.

2 SAM (connected):

I wouldn’t think you’d even notice someone quiet like Amy.

Panel 2.  Omar smiles at himself in the mirror as he talks and washes his hands.

3 OMAR:

You crazy?  Eagle eyes like these don’t ever miss a fox like that.

4 OMAR (connected):

I mean, I haven’t actually asked her yet, but with you for competition, what’s the rush?

Panel 3.  Omar suddenly spazzes out, water flinging off his wet hands which have assumed unnatural, angular positions.  His eyes cross and his arms contort as he leans his head and neck in opposing directions.  This is his Sam impression.  Sam grimaces at the undesirable assessment.  The sink has been shut off.

5 OMAR:

Uh, Amy, uh, go to prom with me!  I’ve got no backbone, so we’ll get handicap parking!

Panel 4.  Omar turns his back to Sam as he walks toward the potted cactus in the corner.  He raises one condescending finger as he goes (to clarify, his forefinger, definitely not his middle finger).  Sam hunches forward, having become curious at what Omar’s doing.

6 SAM:

Was it that bad?

7 OMAR:

Worse!  You couldn’t smooth talk your mama for the TV remote with game that busted.

Panel 5.  Omar gestures toward the cactus as if he were showing off a super model or a brand new car.  Sam, now standing near Omar again, puts a hand to his chin.  Don’t forget that he still has his rose.

8 OMAR:
Say, what do you see right now?

9 SAM:

An illogically-placed cactus?

10 OMAR:

Wrong again.  I see a fine lady that I’m just crazy about.  Watch how a man works.