Thursday, November 8, 2012


[This particular script is actually older than the previous few; it was written immediately before "Black Magic Mastiff."  The unintended similarity between the ending of this story and of "Black Magic Mastiff" is what caused me to hesitate to upload both scripts, but I've ultimately decided that both scripts are unique enough to be worth reading, in spite of that gaff of writing two stories in a row that make use of a similar resolution.  I'll try to be a little more original from now on!]

(5 Page Script, Genre:  Fantasy/Humor)


Page One 

Panel 1.  ELENA and ZAM barrel down the side of a hill covered in fruit-bearing trees, a massive four-legged beast chasing after them.  Elena wears a regal dress of ornate make that is completely inappropriate for a jaunt through the countryside, and she holds up the bottom of the dress with her hands so as not to dirty it.  Her tall, expensive boots are more terrain-friendly, and a bow places her brunette hair into a long pony tail, so practicality is not entirely lost on her.  Zam is clad in a simple green cotton jacket over a plain white undershirt, with comfortable brown trousers held up by a tied rope and sturdy boots.  In his left hand is a common short sword, while a large, ripe fruit resembling an orange takes center stage in his right hand.  Pieces of fruit and a significant amount of the fruit’s juice are plastered to Zam’s face from having recently taken a bite out of it.  He has short black hair, and his eyes never betray a hint of fear, in spite of the circumstances.  Elena and Zam are both in their mid-twenties.  The beast is twice Zam’s height on all-fours, with a lion’s mane and a head like a warthog.  It has claws the size of Zam’s head, and its tail functions like a huge and furry club, perhaps knocking over a tree as it wags.  It is noontime. 

I thought you said you were a licensed monster hunter! 

2 ZAM:
Did I say licensed?  I meant to say licentious!

Panel 2.  Pan in on Elena and Zam enough that we can’t see them from the waist down.  Elena is clearly anxious about their predicament, whereas Zam is utterly insouciant.  The excessive juiciness of the fruit in his hand should be highlighted, as it will become a plot point in the immediate future.

What manner of buffoon consents to slay a beast that large without proper training? 

4 ZAM:
Who says I haven’t been properly trained? 

Panel 3.  Pull out to find a large stain around Zam’s crotch, intimating that Zam has basically peed his pants from fright.  In actuality, it’s just juice from the fruit that has spilled onto his crotch, but Elena (and hopefully the reader) mistakes it for a heaping helping of urine.  She points to the stain with disdain while still holding her dress up.  Zam looks down to observe the blotch himself. 

The fresh stain on your trousers makes for a compelling witness.

Panel 4.  Zam plays along with her mistaken belief.  Running from this beast is little more than a game to him, and even though we can see the beast in a frenzy not too far behind him, Zam certainly isn’t worried about it.

6 ZAM:
Hardly!  My crotch will do anything to draw a woman’s attention.

Page Two

Panel 1.  Flashback illustration, which Zam continues to talk over in the present through narration boxes.  We see Elena and Zam at the doorstep of Elena’s large, expensive home that could double for a Tsar’s summer home.  Elena holds up a crude drawing of the beast that is chasing them in the present, with a circle around its stomach region, indicating its stomach is the reason for the hunt.  Zam gives her a thumbs-up, suggesting his agreement to go out and kill the creature.  For context, Zam is a passing vagabond who has heard of Elena’s need for a monster hunter.

1 ZAM (narration box):
“Look, when a beautiful lady offers to pay me to stick a blade in something, who am I to say no?

2 ZAM (narration box):
“One good jab can lead to another.”

Panel 2.  Back to Elena and Zam running, now so engrossed in their inane conversation that they are no longer paying any attention to their surroundings, especially not what is up ahead of them.

Do you truly believe you can bed me after having soiled your undergarments?

4 ZAM:
I seldom retain the use of undergarments during my lovemaking.  Is that unusual?

Panel 3.  Elena, now looking forward again, suddenly pulls back hard on the bottom of her dress, as if trying to pull back the reins of a chariot to avert a collision.  We can’t yet see what’s in front of her that causes her to stop in her tracks.

You are unusual, and--

Oh, look out!

Panel 4.  A river.  A narrow river is the thing in front of Elena that has caused her to panic, but her velocity up till now has been too great, and now she and Zam both fall straight into it (sound effect).  The beast is still raging toward them all the same, though it has not hit water yet.

7 SFX:

Page Three
Panel 1.  Somehow, Zam has managed to hold on to the fruit even as his sword disappears beneath the waters.  In spite of being drenched and tugged by the river, he is mostly just enamored with the taste of the fruit, having just taken another bite.

1 ZAM:
Man, this fruit is juicy!

Panel 2.  Elena and Zam now swim across the narrow width of the river as quickly as they can muster.  While Elena swims like a frightened dolphin, Zam glides along like a mermaid.  Meanwhile, our big monster crashes into the water (sound effect), making a great splash.

What is wrong with you, Zam?  Death could greet us in but an instant!

3 ZAM:
All the more reason to appreciate the small things in life. 

4 SFX:

Panel 3.  Elena arcs her neck in the direction of the encroaching beast, which does a sort of dog paddle through the water. 

Life is why we are here!   This beast’s intestines contain fluids that act as a panacea against my father’s illness.

Panel 4.  Flip the angle so we can see Zam and Elena approaching the opposite side of the river, where there are more of the same trees.  Elena is fed up with what she perceives as Zam’s obnoxiously facetious disposition, whereas Zam is only tired of being nagged. 

6 ZAM:
Yes, Lady Elena, and if you hadn’t insisted on accompanying me to guarantee I wasn’t a swindler, you would have your cure by now.

Only if the defecated remains of your body came coated in intestinal residue!

Panel 5.  Zam is a little surprised, a little offended, and a little aroused.  Yeah, capture all that in one facial expression.

8 ZAM:
You have big bite for a lady of such little faith.

Page Four

Panel 1.  Elena and Zam arrive at the other side of the river, haphazardly lifting themselves out of the water.  Anguish has come over Elena, and her dress is very plainly a mess.  Zam’s fruit has been reduced to an unimpressive piece of compost by now, but he’s still holding it for the moment.

This is serious, Zam.  I don’t want my father to die.

Panel 2.  Close-up on Zam, who has realized the time for play is over.  No dialogue.

Panel 3.  Safely out of the water, Zam suddenly locks his arms around Elena from behind so that she cannot move.  They are both standing and facing in the direction of the monster that has already gotten its fronts legs onto land, still seemingly intent on mauling them. 

2 ZAM:
Elena, my lady, did you know monsters of this breed always roar before a meal?

Zam, you’ve gone mad!  What wickedness is this? 

Panel 4.  Close-up on the vicious face of the beast.  Perhaps vague semblances of Elena and Zam are discernible in its eyes.  No dialogue.

Panel 5.  The beast roars, mouth agape!  (sound effect) 

4 SFX:

Page Five

Panel 1.  Zam chucks his shriveled piece of fruit into the beast’s still open mouth.

1 ZAM:
Change of menu, pal! 

Panel 2.  The beast swallows the fruit (sound effect), a dumbfounded expression overtaking its savage countenance.

2 SFX:

Panel 3.  The beast falls over dead with a thump (sound effect).  Zam extends one hand to demonstrate his pride at having slain a monster with a fruit, and the other hand rests at Elena’s shoulder.
3 SFX:

4 ZAM:
This breed is also deathly allergic to the fruit on these trees.

5 ZAM:
It’s just as well.  The fruit’s so juicy that it makes an intrepid hero look like he can’t stay his bladder when it spills.

Panel 4.  Elena, her own mouth gaping now, considers Zam with all the amazement she would give a six-armed juggler.

You mean, you actually are a monster hunter?

Panel 5.  Zam takes Elena by the love handles, an exaggeratedly lascivious expression to go with it.  Elena mostly responds with derision, arms akimbo.  Since the monster is slain and our hero has won the damsel (sort of), this story’s all wrapped up.

7 ZAM:
And licentious.  Never forget licentious.

8 ZAM:
So please, disrobe with me immediately before you catch a cold!  I can’t bear to see such supple skin subjugated any further.


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