"Beans the Clown"

(5 Page Script, Genre: Humor)

“Beans the Clown”

Page One

Panel 1.  A close-up on a warm, colorful clown against a white backdrop.  As long as the clown appears genuinely loving and not homicidal, his appearance can be as stereotypical or unorthodox as you want it to be.  As we’re about to reveal, this panel is actually a close-up on a printed illustration being held up by someone else, so I guess you could say this panel is from a “first-person” perspective.  Dialogue is off-panel to the person holding the illustration.

1 FATHER (off-panel):

You don’t really look the same as in the flyer.

Panel 2.  Same angle and perspective, except the hands holding the illustration have lowered enough so that we can see BEANS THE CLOWN standing directly in front of us, in roughly the same pose as seen in the illustration from Panel 1.  Contrary to the printed illustration, the actual Beans is disheveled and infinitely depressing to the senses.  He is unshaven with bags under his bloodshot eyes, his expression a perpetual grimace or sneer, his clothes dirty and maybe even a little blood-stained.  Beans is at least thirty pounds heavier than in the illustration, and you might even want a fly or two whizzing around his head for good measure.  He holds a brown paper bag tightly in one hand, implying that there is a bottle of something alcoholic inside.

2 BEANS:

Damn straight I don’t!  Ain’t no artist that can render a mug like this in all its glory.

Panel 3.  Pull out so that we can see a FATHER and MOTHER glancing with concern back at the illustration in the father’s hands.  Beans gives the parents the stink eye as he drinks from his brown paper bag.  They are standing in the entranceway of a cozy middle-class home in the suburbs.  The father looks like a spineless pushover, because no confident adult would ever let Beans in his house in the first place.  The mother is similarly timid, but in a street fight, she would lay her husband out.

3 FATHER:

The party’s already begun, and we did promise Chris a clown.

4 MOTHER (whisper):

But he smells like bourbon!

Panel 4.  Beans lumbers out of the room like Donkey Kong to go find the party, utterly indifferent to the panicked expression on the mother’s face.  Beans is very drunk.

5 BEANS:

Bourbon is nature’s aftershave!  Now where the hell are these kids?

Page Two

Panel 1.  Beans has arrived in the living room, surrounded by elementary schoolers in party hats.  His arms are spread wide as he introduces himself to the unsuspecting kids, the paper bag still in one hand.  Pizza and soda are on the table in front of the couch, and some lame kids’ movie is playing on the television.  All of the usual kid’s birthday stuff is littered around the room.  The birthday boy, CHRIS, watches Beans with awe.  He has short blonde hair and wears a cardboard Burger King-style crown for the occasion.

1 BEANS:

Loaded on hooch and ready to mooch!  Make way for Beans the Clown!

Panel 2.  Chris hurries excitedly to Beans, hands raised and fingers interlocked in a pleading sort of way.  Beans looks down at the boy with big, open lips, because he needs to look like a Grade-A schlub at all times.

2 CHRIS:

Oh, wow, a real clown!  Do you do balloon animals?

3 BEANS:

Balloons?  Thanks to Philip Morris, I need an oxygen mask just to blow on hot food.

Panel 3.  Chris, a little less enthused now, puts his hand on the back of his neck.  Beans places a hand on his own shoulder, one eye wincing to denote discomfort.

4 CHRIS:

Okay, well, can you juggle?

5 BEANS:

Not since the shoulder injury.  Beans really shouldn’t have picked that fight with the clergyman.

Panel 4.  Beans spreads out on the couch, leaving no room for children to sit, and gestures toward the pizza on the table in front of him.  Chris glares at him.  His father and mother have now entered the room, and they mimic Chris’s look of disapproval.

6 CHRIS:

Don’t you do anything fun?

7 BEANS:
Hey, what do you call this?  Buncha guys sitting around eating free grub?

8 BEANS (connected):

This is the life!

Page Three

Panel 1.  The mother approaches Beans from behind the couch, arms crossed, looking down at him.  Beans has bent over to grab a slice of pizza from the table, still caring nothing for the mother’s concern.

1 MOTHER:

Seems to me the only one having a good time is you.

2 BEANS:

Yeah, well, seems to me that if I wanted to be barked at, I’d buy a dog.

Panel 2.  The father cuts in front of the mother, who is now visibly enraged.  He is hunched over and his hands are together to suggest his weak nature.  Beans takes a bite out of the pizza.

3 FATHER:

Look, Beans, all we’d like is for you to get the children excited.

Panel 3.  Beans flings the piece of pizza backward, and it smacks the mother in the face.  Bits of chewed pizza spew out of his mouth as he speaks.  The father looks nervously at his wife.

4 BEANS:

Then why didn’t you say so?

 

5 BEANS (connected):
Kids, gather around!  Beans is going to introduce you to the only friend you’ll ever need!

Panel 4.  A crowd of children congregates around Beans on the couch, who holds up his brown paper bag for all to see.  There’s a good mix of intrigue and fear amongst the kids, but Chris only continues to be depressed.  The father offers his wife a napkin for her face.

6 BEANS:

Meet the brown paper bag!

7 BEANS (connected):

He has all the right answers--

8 BEANS (connected):
--he never abandons you--

9 BEANS (connected):
--and he kills you so slowly that it’s not even considered suicide!

Page Four

Panel 1.  The mother clutches the napkin in her hand in a death grip.  Her face has been mostly wiped clean, better allowing us to see the rage seething from her face.

1 MOTHER:

That is enough!

2 MOTHER (connected):

I want you out of my house.  Now!

Panel 2.  Beans gets up from the couch, teeth grit and a finger pointed at the mother, who is still behind the couch.  She will not back down from Beans.

3 BEANS:

Hell, no!  Beans is on the clock, and he never leaves a job undone!

4 MOTHER:

Just take your filthy slice of pizza off my floor and go, you crumb bum!

Panel 3.  Beans places one foot on the couch cushion, his gaze fixed upon the mother.  He is about to do something very stupid.

5 BEANS:

Lady, if you think I’m too classy to hit a woman--

Panel 4.  Beans lunges over the couch, knocking the couch over as he socks the mother square in the face with a heavy fist.  Everyone is terrified at the sudden attack, most of all Chris and his father.

 6 BEANS:

--You got another thing coming!

 7 SFX (punch):

BOP

Page Five

Panel 1.  Beans, now on his knees on the floor, looks nervously up over the toppled couch to inspect all of the children that he has now scarred for life.  The mother is unconscious on the floor beside him.  Tears are streaming down Chris’s face.  From the angle of the panel, we cannot see where the father has gone.  If Beans isn’t holding his brown paper bag, it should be within arm’s reach.

1 BEANS:

Beans was, uh, helping her clean her face.

2 BEANS (connected):

That’s what we tell the cops.

Panel 2.  The father unexpectedly stabs Beans in the temple with a metal fork.  The father has clearly lost his marbles.

3 FATHER (burst):

Get out of my house!

4 SFX (fork stab):

SHIK

Panel 3.  Beans smacks the father in the side of the head with the brown paper bag, which of course has a bottle of something heavy inside of it.  The bottle doesn’t shatter though, so it’s as if Beans struck him with a heavy club.  The metal fork is lodged in Beans’s head, and there is a trickle of blood streaming down from it.

5 SFX (bag smack):

BOOF

Panel 4.  Beans flees the room with his brown paper bag, but he looks back at the scene and raises one informative finger.  The father is unconscious on top of the mother on the ground.  Chris is on his knees before his parents, still crying profusely.

6 BEANS:

You see, kids?  The brown paper bag never lets you down!

7 BEANS (connected):

Anyway, have a great birthday!  Tell your parents this one is pro bono.

8 BEANS (connected):

Beans has a plane to catch!

THE END